I'm not afraid you are

18 June 2022

So. For those of you who are following my car crash journey, my car is basically working! yay! but now that means I have to drive myself again. and that's got me a bit terrified.

I think a big part of it is that I'm out of school for the summer so I'm running low on things to stress about so my mind decides to run every scenario of me getting into another car crash. Which really sucks for me when I'm lying awake at night. So, because writing on my little tiny website is cheaper than actual therapy, I'm going to write out a best case/worst case/most likely case scenario for my first post-wreck solo drive so that I can hopefully manage my emotions a little better than I have been for the past couple months. so.

Best case: I get up at 5:00, feeling well-rested and refreshed. I eat a hearty breakfast, get dressed, and feel at my best. I leave right on time at 6:30. The drive goes smoothly I feel totally inspired by my ELO Greatest Hits album. I'm the only car out this early. I'm completely focused on the road, the pinnacle of safety. I arrive early, ready to tackle my sunday shift

Worst case: I wake up late. I can barely eat and get dressed in time to leave. I'm pretty stressed overall. Traffic is surprisingly heavy for a Sunday morning. I'm tired, clearly not focusing entirely on my driving. Everything goes "okay" until the last turn before work. I get into the left turn lane but misjudge the car behind me. It's a side collision. We spin out into the intersection, adding a couple more cars to the collision. etc. etc.

Most likely case: I get up pretty much on time. I'm a little stressed but I eat and get dressed just fine. I look solidly average. I get in the car, pretty nervous and get going. I keep the music low to cut down on distraction. The roads are pretty slow but there's still enough traffic that I need to pay close attention. I'm keeping in mind all the little sayings from the defensive driving class I had to take. I make it to the left turn. I'm pretty stressed but it goes okay. I remember that I can get into the left turn lane a little earlier than I had been, I pay close attention to the car behind me. I remind myself that I can always go on through this intersection and turn further up if that's the safest option for my situation. I turn in. I park. I'm safe. I sit there with the engine off and the music on, gathering myself. I did okay, and it can only get better from this point forward.


I guess I hang out at junkyards now?

08 June 2022

A few months back, I got in a car crash. They say that the gays can either drive or do math. Well call me Pythagoras because I cannot operate a vehicle to save my life.

To be honest, though, I'd say I'm a decent driver (I'm much worse at navigating, but I'm sure we'll talk about that later). I was driving on one of the more dangerously designed roads in my city and as far as collisions go it was just about a best-case scenario. No one was hurt. Luckily (for them, not me), the car in front of me that I hit was a giant SUV so it was essentially unscathed. The only thing that got damaged on their car was a tiny little panel above the trailer hitch. My elderly Honda Civic, however, did not fare as well.

I'm not great at small talk in general. But you know what's so much worse? trying to make small talk with the lady whose car you just hit for a half hour while you're waiting for the police. Then having to make small talk with the police while they fill out paperwork. Not my favorite social situation, that's for sure.

My car was able to make it to school and then back home at the end of the day. We did a better damage inspection that night, and it's honestly shocking that I didn't burst open my radiator. All the frame pieces were bent in severely (we ended up using a tire jack inside the engine compartment to bend things back into place - a surprisingly effective strategy). But, of course, there's still a few parts that needed actual replacing - a smashed headlight, fender liners (mostly just regular wear and tear that we hadn't looked closely at before) and, of course, the bumper.

So I started looking for those online. Somewhat-sketchy auto sites had moderate prices, but freight shipping is a bitch. So I looked at local alternatives and finally found a chain of auto yards that lets you bring your own tools and pry off your own pieces for excellent prices. We went there today and it was a rather odd experience. The whole process was really well streamlined - they give you a map and a list of all the cars that are a possible match and you just go out there and look. But there's definitely something to be said about the unsettling nature of walking through hundreds of cars that people probably died in. They're all just out there, airbags still deployed, sometimes personal items inside. It's honestly terrifying to see some of them, windshieleds crashed in, pieces of fender bent straight into the driver's side of the cabin. and working on them, pulling off whatever assortment of parts you need feels vulturous.

I don't know - it certainly gives me some perspective. sure could've been worse. I could have had a head on collion while driving around a chicken (our working theory for the feathers covering the passenger's side of one of the wrecks).

I got most of what I needed, but obviously the bumpers are a hot commodity. If they're even on the wreck to begin with, there one of the first parts to go. So now I find myself signing up for email updates from a junkyard chain, getting ready to swoop in the second I see a new 8th gen Civic with a mostly-intact bumper. Definitely not a situation I saw coming, but such is life, I guess.


Billy Joel (i'm lonely and gay)

30 May 2022

As a mostly-closeted lesbian, I have a special relationship to love songs written from a male perspective. For the longest time (pun intended), I've disliked Billy Joel and similar sort of artists because I imagined myself as the subject of that masculine sort of pining from a man. After coming out to myself, though, I have a completely different perspective. Before I get into it, though I should probably clarify what type of songs I'm actually talking about. Here are some of my best examples:

You get the picture? Songs about pining for a girl you can probably never have.

When I was really young, I loved these songs too. But for exactly the opposite reasons. I loved the idea of boys thinking about/pining for/fighting over me. Why would any preteen... care? Heteronormativity I guess? (these aren't rhetorical questions - they're genuine things I wonder and still parts of myself I'm working through). That's also been something I've been trying to unravel with my experience of comphet. Even though I in no way see myself with a guy in a long-term sense, I still... like the feeling of being wanted, regardless of the gender of the wanter. About a year ago I had a "relationship" -- I use quotations because we never talked in person even though we went to school together and it lasted all of like 3 weeks -- with a guy. We texted constantly. I felt giddy. He asked me on an actual date and I, of course, said yes. But then I was just so full of dread leading up to it and I was so relieved when our schedules didn't work out and promptly broke off our text-based "relationship". Haven't talked to him since. At that point I thought I must be bi because I knew I liked girls but I also had crushes on guys, right?

And throughout this I'm becoming more comfortable with every aspect of myself (more confidence socially, just being more me in general) and I learn that I can, indeed, flirt. And I'm not bad at it. But the whole do I/don't I actually like guys thing becomes much more of a big deal when the person I'm interested is someone I actually talk to, do stuff with, and care for a great deal. So when he asked me, of course I went out with him. We went hiking like three times and it was so much fun. But it also just felt wrong. So. long story short I think I'm a lesbian. probably. This was a guy I genuinely liked, shared interests with, and our mutual friends seemed to think we had some chemistry. And the truth is, I loved the dude; still do. But any time things got couple-y I just got super uncomfortable and that feeling would stay with me all day.

So that brings us to the present. I guess I'm gay. I've basically decided not to officially come out for a few years, but I've just been doing it as it comes up. At work I wear a tiny rainbow bracelet, and a couple coworkers (pretty much just other gay people) have asked me about it and I'll tell them. With friends, they know I'm 'not straight' but not what specific flavor of gay I am. And we're just kinda in stasis at this point until I move out. I'm not coming out to my parents until I'm 150% sure of myself. I can't really date because they'd know about it. so the pining for a girl songs are really quite fitting right now.

Sorry for just rambling for several paragraphs. But this blog is largely here just to be self-indulgent, and you get to come along for the ride. This has basically just been me vomitting up what's been floating around in my mind and then hitting the 'post' button. Not a real strong narrative for the readers at home, but hopefully I'll be able to come back to it when I've figured out a bit more of myself. Goodnight <3


Books, part 1

26 May, 2022

I was a voracious reader when I was younger, but I seem to have fallen into the pitfall of school, work, and everything else that gets thrown on you as you get older. Nevertheless, I’m trying to get back into the habit of reading actual books rather than doomscrolling, especially since I have a bit more time over the summer. I figured a great way to get back into the spirit would be to share some of my favorite books.

I’m a huge fan of John Green’s work. I’ll admit, I have some bias since I grew up on his Crash Course history videos. I think I’ve read all his books except one he co-wrote that I just found out about (note to self: put Let it Snow on hold at the library). My favorite of his books is The Anthropocene Reviewed, his only nonfiction book which came out about this time last year. It’s a delightful collection of essays that rate things from canada geese to academic decathlons to the earth’s temporal range on the human-standard five star scale. It’s hilarious at times, but deeply meaningful, touching, and dare-I-say, human. I find myself reading it again and again.

Well, that’s all the time we have for today, folks. I suppose “books” turned into John Green fanposting rather quickly, but maybe I’ll make this a running series and talk about more than just one book eventually :)